pen and ink

I realized this past weekend that I have a hard time being creative with an audience.. I am much more likely to come up with something that I love, and enjoy the process of creating if I can do it in solitude*.  I wish I'd realized this sooner, because it helps me understand why I've been struggling so much with feeling creative or being able to put something on paper or canvas that I'm proud of over the past year or so.

The projects I'm most proud of, and the ones that everyone else tends to be drawn to, are the ones that I did at home all alone or in my college campus studios at 3am when everyone else had gone home. They are the ones I created for myself, without trying to please anyone else. They are all experiments in and of themselves, but they really created themselves. Because I didn't put rules on them, or rules on the process.

*One exception to this.. is art night. When you're in the company of other creative people who understand that you usually have no idea what you're doing until all of a sudden the painting starts emerging from your canvas, that is freedom. That is inspiration and that is encouragement and a safe place. I miss art nights. I need to find a way to reinstate them.

I started to work on thank you cards last Saturday morning, but couldn't get into a rhythm.. I was hanging out at my boyfriend's house and he wasn't even hovering or asking me questions about what I was doing, but still I just couldn't focus. I was putting expectations on myself. I'm assuming that subconsciously I didn't want him to see the process.. I didn't want him to see the mistakes.. I didn't want him to question my judgment.

What an allegory for life, huh?

I know that my creativity and my love of MAKING things isn't gone. I haven't lost anything. But, I do feel like I've put it on hold.. and I wonder if it's because I haven't been willing to sacrifice time with people for time with my craft. And to be honest, I'm still not.. Maybe it is a season, but hopefully I will be able to find more of a balance. For now, I just have to remember that I tend to work better on my own (at least until I can build my confidence back up or find a group of like-minded people to work with) and that it's okay to not always be satisfied with my work. What's important is that I keep working, and accept the highs and lows as a part of the process..